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ShopKo Pens Scathing Rebuke Amid Coronavirus Hoarding

Wyoming, USA

Well, we're in the thick of an unprecedented event as Coronavirus (ASSHLE-19) has effectively brought the country to a standstill. Fears abound as people are adjusting to their new lives as sequestered cave trolls amid 'Flatten the Curve' guidelines. For therapy, many individuals have taken up hoarding as a new hobby, rendering store shelves barren of such common items as toilet paper, soap, and sanitizing agents.

Coming out of a cave of scorn for the first time since their bitter and untimely going-out-of-business debacle, ShopKo has taken to social media to express their thoughts amid the current consumer frenzy. An excerpt reads as follows,

'...well isn't this ironic. We were consumer leaders in toilet paper, designer-impostor fragrances, and Spalding footwear. Last we checked, that crap is pretty hard to come by, these days. Hope you're happy with yourselves...'

It's personal. No one gets that more than we at The Telegraph do. What sad days are these when a person can't even grab a Zebco fishing pole and a pack of Cordial Cherries on their way to the lake. Be well, folks. This, too, shall pass.

Love and Satire,

The Telegraph

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