Turkey Fryer
98% of house fires that happen in November and December are caused by people trying to fry turkeys (the other 2% comes from electrical circuits that are overwhelmed by strands of Christmas lights that have been daisy-chained together), so I see no reason why we should still be encouraging common folk to plunge 10 pounds of raw meat into a vat of boiling grease. I realize that—in our eternal quest to remove any and all semblance of nutritional value from the food we eat—deep frying things is the ‘Murican thing to do, but COME ON. These things are basically napalm dispensers and, as such, should be banned. You’ll never convince me that deep frying a turkey is safer than playing a round of Lawn Darts, and those things have been banned since the late 80’s. SIDE NOTE: If anyone has a set of lawn darts they want to sell on Powell Valley Exchange, I'M YOUR GUY.
Farm Simulator Video Game
Amongst a certain demographic, video games (or “those vidj-ya games” if you are an old grumpy person) are absolutely to blame for the downfall of society. That may well be true, but if we ever hope to woo these hopeless gamer kids into being valuable, contributing members of society, glorifying otherwise mundane and thankless jobs via simulation is probably as good a tactic as any. I just wonder how realistic this Farming Simulator game actually is. You know, does it make you get up at 4AM to change water on your virtual crops? Does it make you drive 3 hours (in real time) to get an obscure part for your combine in the middle of harvest season? Does it occasionally withhold payment for your crops at the last minute because the local Co-Op is running out of money? Doesn’t sound like a very exciting game to me…
Insulated Crocs
I wish I was a fly on the wall in the product meeting when the fine people at Crocs, Inc. gave the green light to this heinous creation. Aside from being both hideously ugly and the footwear of choice for people who wear sweatpants in public, Crocs are notorious for causing sweaty, smelly feet. So, it’s only natural that the Crocs would develop and release a product that would exacerbate BOTH problems while somehow also making them even less functional for the reason for which they were originally designed (which, I assume, is that they are easy to clean and/or dry...?). What’s next, Crocs that are also ski boots? High-heeled Crocs? Just stop it, Crocs, Inc. Nobody asked for foam clogs in the first place. Stop trying to legitimize your goofy product. Quit while you’re ahead.
How's Riverton?
Oof. I’ve been to Riverton many times over the years and driving into that town fills me with the same sense of dread as walking into Walmart. In both cases, while I typically have a legitimate reason for being there, I am also very much looking to get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible. The only thing worse than being in Riverton is being in Riverton while also being in the Walmart in Riverton which, unfortunately, has happened to me at least twice. Should you find yourself in that situation, death—presumably by being drunkenly stabbed—would be a welcome respite. Anyway, I assume the person posing this query is not asking about Riverton because they are considering a move there of their own volition, because that would make them insane. No, I figure they are moving there against their will because of a job situation or something. Whatever the case, I offer my deepest sympathies.
UFC Videos
I have a friend who maintains that most UFC fighters--despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary--are not testosterone addled knuckle-draggers. Years ago, this same friend went online to order an autographed picture of his wife’s favorite UFC fighter (I cannot recall the guy’s name) for her birthday, directly from said fighter’s website. For an extra few bucks, in addition to the autograph, you could have the picture “personalized” with a few lines of hand written text. And so my friend politely instructed fighter guy to make the autographed photo out to his wife Brenda, and also requests that he “put a heart on it”. Now, to anyone who is not a 'roided out steak-head, and who has not been punched in the face 563 times, those instructions are straight forward and simple. But how do you think fighter guy interpreted those instructions? Did he draw a little heart on the picture? Reader, he did not. He literally wrote “To Brenda, put a heart on it!” and then signed his name. I rest my case.
Free chair (cat damage)
I love this post for a few reasons, but the only reason that matters is that CAT DAMAGE would be a great name for a heavy metal band. In fact, I’m starting a band and we’re calling ourselves CAT DAMAGE before anyone else takes my idea. It’s still early, and I still need to actually learn to play guitar, but we’re going to play symphonic death metal with elements of grindcore, thrash, and industrial metal. We’ll have a rabid fan base (in some cases, literally rabid), but you’ll never hear about us because we’ll be so underground that we'll only be popular in Scandinavian countries. Our lyrics will be mostly unintelligible—and only sometimes about cats—and our album covers will be censored at Walmart (because, of course). This will be our logo:
Trump hat
We are nearly 3 full years into the Trump Presidency, which means that the “Make America Great Again” theme and accompanying merchandise has been around for at least 4 years. You’d think that would be plenty of time for people to come up with apparel that is less obnoxious and/or at least semi-fashionable. But, no. Just look at this hat. LOOK AT IT. You could not make this hat any more garish or tacky if you tried. It’s like a NASCAR hat, which...now that I think about it, makes total sense! If Trump gets re-elected, can I at least get some assurances that we see some merchandise out there that doesn’t look like it belongs on the shelf next to the TruckNutz® at a Flying J?
Until next time...
-Freddy Flyrod