Dr. Fauci Sees Shadow, Calls for 12 More Months of Discouraging COVID News

Anywhere, USA

Taking on national interests, The Telegraph has just received word that Dr. Anthony Fauci recently spotted his shadow- a sign some experts agree means more interviews with bad COVID news. The event is quite timely considering most Americans have had a blast during the pandemic and in no way possible could use encouraging news heading into the dead of winter. Said a source close to the immunologist and all-around fount of positivity,

"True story. He [Fauci] had just stepped out of a real uplifter where he called off Christmas and still advised mask use after being vaccinated. Then...boom...saw his shadow. Easily a year's worth of disparaging news ahead of us now."

Combined with celebrity tweets calling people selfish for not embracing eternal shutdowns, political unrest, and a litany of other debilitatingly bad things, Fauci's news of shadow-spotting is a total riot. More on this story at the exact moment you couldn't possibly stand anymore positive headlines. Stay tuned.